Submissive dating
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Dominant men: D/s vs. Taken In Hand
Love is a decision

by David in NZ on 2005 Sep 7 - 04:50 | reply to this comment
leadership and final say, to Frank
It is simply not useful for me to declare that my final decision is to defer to her when the reality is that a final decison is hers to make anyway. By doing so, I diminish myself and I diminish her equal value in our relationship.

Are you saying here that final decision making authority is perhaps just a trapping and, to your mind, not necessarily a very desirable one? Or perhaps, that it is simply not necessary?

I think we are dancing around the same point here but just stating it in different ways. That perhaps is a product of different perspective, most notably that you are an HOH and I am a, well, woman, for lack of a better word (what is the female/non-HOH called in Taken In Hand? I have never really liked the term "submissive" in this context. I like that term for a more BDSM type application. Anyway...).

I also think I see what you are getting at. When I look at the practicality of our relationship, yeah, he doesn't really make most of the major decisions. We make them together. We talk it out and very often he will do what I think is best or he will do a bit of what we each want. Sometimes, we come to that compromise together and sometimes he takes all the factors and comes to a decision on his own.

There are also many things, fairly important things that he leaves to me, with no discussion from him. For instance, I chose the school are kids are going to with almost no input and no research on his part. That is just not something he wanted to help decide. If I had needed some help or wanted his input he would have given it, but he had no drive to be in on the decision personally.

I do feel that the statement that he has final decision making authority is important to our relationship. When he leaves a decision to me, I don't think of it as him deferring to me, but merely as him delegating to me a duty as he delegates the housework to me or the cooking. I think his having this authority relieves stress for both of us and sets certain parameters which are very helpful. If there were a major thing that we had to decide on and we couldn't come to an agreement or compromise on it, it would be up to him to make the final decision and I have agreed to abide by that decision. (Honestly, I can't imagine this happening, but it is what we have agreed on theoretically. I can't say what would actually happen in the real situation. It has never happened, really.)